Either I'm missing some important part of this "living overseas" process, or that vision is a bunch of baloney.
I really shouldn't make this all that dramatic...it is merely another day where Japan's score feels as though it's a billion, and I...well, I'm still stuck at zero.
When I started this school year in April, everyone on my "school board" was concerned about the amount of teaching hours I had (I've been teaching more hours than what is in my work contract pretty much 85% of the time that I've been in Fukushima--sometimes by choice, and sometimes because of pressure), and they all tried to cut different classes to get me down to contract. I told them, at that time, that I had a good handle on the classes I have now, cut what I could, and kept the rest because of good connections with the students, it made good financial sense for the school, etc. Anyway, we met at a good place, and I feel really happy with the class schedule I have right now. Between teaching, acting as receptionist, and a long commute to Koriyama, I usually "put in" about 8 hours Tuesday, 10 hours Wednesday, 12 hours Thursday, 7 hours Friday, and some prep hours between Saturday and Monday. This is a light schedule, I know, but it doesn't count any board meetings, church meetings, church events, or school events...those are all extra.
One of my evening classes is full, and because one more student emailed to request information about a class, I'm now being pressured to open up a new 90 min. evening class for adults.
This is so normal. It's a new class this week, and next week it will be a Kids' Camp. The week after, the pressuring discussion will be to join a committee to make a new Christian play area for kids to escape radiation. And how can I possible explain the cultural pressure? These discussions aren't "brainstorming talks," they aren't invitations to partner in a job...they're horrifyingly impossible to say no to without feeling like a complete shmuck who is now banned from fellowship.
What do I say? I want to simply point out that 3 months ago, everyone was talking about cutting classes with already-present students...why are we trying to add them now, with students who just might be interested? I want to present some great logical statement that will be both culturally appropriate and uphold good boundaries and still keep great relationships between all of us.
What do I actually do? Come home and cry. Which has happened so many times since that stupid big earthquake that it is quite pathetic. And which is why Japan's score is at something like 500, and I'm still at zero.
This country makes me hate myself.
Why can't I just sacrifice more? Or, if I can't do that, why can't I present a good statement as to why I won't sacrifice more? Do I just not love God enough? Do I just not love people enough? Am I just weak? Are they just crazy with their expectations?
I hate Japan for its abuse of families...for its mockery of human value...for its horrible pressure to perform and its modern slavery that can be found in the schools and the companies.
But mostly, I think I hate it because it makes me hate myself.
There is no holy platitude that can take away this cultural pressure. There is no tolerant, open-minded sentence that answers the depth of the ache, the feeling of being used and thrown out, the feeling of being a piece of machinery that is only worth something when it does a job.
And there is nothing that can soothe my pride, which wants to do a good job and wants to be loving and tolerant and holy and helpful...and every single day is a failure.
I feel like this season of my life is something like the whole country of Japan standing on my self-worth and jumping up and down on it. :)
A quote from Forde's, On Being a Theologian of the Cross caught my attention the other day:
"By faith we become a human being, a person of this world...because there is nothing to do now but wait, hope, pray, and trust in the promise of him who nevertheless conquers, the crucified and risen Jesus. By faith we are simply in Christ, waiting to see what will happen to and in us."
I'm neither an all-powerful god, nor a worthless piece of machinery...just human, by faith. Guess that will have to be enough, for both my pride and Japan's expectations.
I also cling to the belief that even though I pretty much suck, God does work, and love, and bring life. So I'm calming my tears by alternatively typing furiously to get it off my chest and reading the last two stanzas of Clough's poem:
For while the tired waves, vainly breaking,
Seem here no painful inch to gain,
Far back, through creeks and inlets making,
Comes silent, flooding in, the main.
And not by eastern windows only,
When daylight comes, comes in the light;
In front the sun climbs slow, how slowly!
But westward, look, the land is bright!
No comments:
Post a Comment