To give a quick, hopefully succinct recap: the line between faith-based religious activity and obligatory religious activity had been destroyed in my heart, and the only real thing I could think regarding God was that he was always displeased, demanding more of me than what I could give and then asking me to be joyful and loving on top of it all. For the record, that kind of thinking just seems to lead to huge amounts of inescapable judgement, constant failure, and a whole lot of hatred.
Judgement...failure...hatred. Yeah, I felt and thought and wielded those weapons in a kind of attempt at self-protection that sliced and diced myself and others. And I supposed that shouldn't all be in past-tense, because it is still a daily reality.
But something has also changed since Good Friday, and that is what I want to share.
Sometimes, God and I enjoy each other's presence.
Even while typing, I feel like those words should be whispered, just lightly brushing the page, because how can God, perfect and mighty, enjoy me, a sinful person who hey, just admitted to judgement, failure, and hatred...and isn't that supposed to be the same as murder in God's eyes?
Well, it started before Good Friday, I guess...this God who loves relationship and who created people "just because"...
And for me, recently, it started after Good Friday...after looking my hatred of God and myself in the face.
It started in a practical move regarding scheduling: now, I only come to church on the fourth Sunday of the month for the worship and prayer service and the church elders' meeting. I asked my bosses for permission to do this from May to August, to receive some time to study the Bible in English and worship in English again.
It started in talking and listening to God in the way that I have my best friendships: while running, moving, touching piano keys or plucking guitar strings. I bowed out of prayer meetings, other Bible studies, and church classes, and started reading my Bible for myself instead of always needing to read it to prepare for the next event or class.
It started in reading and finding encouragement in words others have written: Orphan, Slave Son and TOM and the Goldfish Bowl by Ben Pasley, On Being a Theologian of the Cross by Forde, The Mystery of Spiritual Sensitivity by Carol Brown, and other books of those from varying backgrounds and experiences.
It wasn't my relationship with God that started. I know that our relationship isn't a new thing...but the enjoyment is new for this season of my life.
Other things have come with this decision to back away from church activities for a bit and say no to some things...like the realization that I am a child of God, and part of His Church regardless of whether I'm in church or not. So I can be on worship and prayer duty in my apartment, or on my run, or in a restaurant, or wherever...I don't have to just get my hours in at the church building. Another re-realization is that any program that focuses on us being "better" Christians should be thought through carefully. Very, very carefully.
Another realization is that I need to "have" a theology of the Holy Spirit of some kind...Paul says that we are not under law, but under Spirit...and if I don't know what the Holy Spirit does or is to me in my daily life, then I easily slip under the law again.
Some other things have come that are not as joyful or exciting. I'm pretty sure that my pastor and church just think that I'm suffering from a "seishin-tekina byouki", which is some psychological disorder or sickness, and that's why I'm taking time off (for the record, I'm still teaching all my English classes). Being as that's the easiest way to describe having a differing opinion in this country, I don't mind that label. And I think part of the diagnosis is true--there is a lot that has been going on in my life, mind, and heart for awhile now, and it's hard to know what is "healthy" and what is "sick." But even though I value greatly and am so thankful for the Sundays that I can have off until August, I wish that the discussions we have could happen without the stigma of being mentally ill. Eric calls this time "my sabbatical"...definitely not the way the Japanese church sees it, and that's a bit hard. I can count on two fingers the times in my adult life that I've made a big choice to do something that I knew would cause offense, disagreement, and separation. It wasn't easy the first time. It isn't easy now.
I'm not exactly sure what will come out of these few months of time. New directions? New "theology"? Whatever the end result of this time will be, I'm blessed to explore enjoyment in my relationship with God...blessed to explore more of who God is, who I am, and what forgiveness and grace mean! Listening to Andrew Peterson's "The Last Frontier" last night, I was struck by his lyrical description of what seems to be a similar journey, and I thought I'd include a link and words here. Yes, there are many moments of running from grace and simply wanting to sit in a black hole with the despair and ugliness of my heart...but what a blessing to find, even in the dark pit, the surrounding of God's love!
Why don't the mountains make me cry no more?They don't sing the way they did beforeThey're just piles of stoneAs dead as bonesLike corpses on a field of warAnd they just don't make me cry no more
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