"It is finished!"...?

The sun is shining, and blossoms are starting to color the trees with shades of pink, white, and yellow. Layers of colored gelatin are hardening slowly in the refrigerator for tomorrow's Easter luncheon at church. The day literally shouts of spring and new life and the hope that we will gather to celebrate in the morning.

But I'm still stuck in the darkness of Good Friday, my mind turning over yesterday's reflections and grieving.

"It is finished" (John 19:30).

We read those words of Jesus last night from the gospel of John and talked a bit about what it means for the work of salvation to really be finished...for us to know God's forgiveness has been victorious over our sin.

I want to say that I was listening to the discussion with a heart pierced with a sense of confession and God's love. I want to say that I was thankful, filled with gratitude. I want to say that it was meaningful and moving, and that in the depths of Good Friday's sadness I experienced the joy of being forgiven.

Confession: I was seething. As I listened to those around me describe in broken voices filled with awe the passion and love of our Savior, I was seething at life...at sin...at myself.

Is it really finished? Really?

Let me paint you a picture for a moment. My church has an average 18 worshipers on a Sunday. The main core of active members are over 75 years old. They come to church multiple times a week, volunteer at events, and try to support each other as best they can. But they are slowly getting weaker...that is the normal process of life. And when they come to church, they are encouraged to participate more, sacrifice more, look at things with spiritual eyes instead of physical eyes, grow in their active love for other people...and guilt abounds.

I am a pastor's daughter. I can't remember a time when a church has ever really said, "It is finished."

Just rest. Just be. It is enough.

We sacrifice sleep, time, health, relationships, money, hobbies, and more. Those who do are held up as "good Christians." Those who do not seem to be told they need to become more mature Christians.

Can the church even exist without putting such pressure on people? Although the church is the body of Christ, it is also an organization, needing money and resources and volunteers to make the wheels of the structure turn. The main message may be, "You are saved by grace," but some part of the message must be, "We need your money and your time. Please. Thank you."

It is finished?

I wish that this post was a taradiddle. Wish I didn't have these feelings or these questions. Wish I was somehow more pious or more thankful. Wish that I could just chalk this all up to sin and a sinful world and receive forgiveness and move on.

However, I'm an employee of the church. I'm a missionary here. And I'm haunted by this question that nags at my mind and refuses to go away...and when I succeed in answering it for a moment, it comes back twice as strong: What if, in inviting people to become part of the church, I'm inviting them to a life of guilt and shame, of forever "not being enough"? 

But then Peter's comment also comes to mind: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life" (John 6:68).


I'm going to choose to believe Jesus' words are true: It is finished!

I stand forgiven, which is incredibly amazing considering my ingratitude, anger, angst, selfishness, etc. I'm not forgiven because of my pious attitude during the Good Friday service, not forgiven because of my hours of work or because of my "missionary service"--not at all!

Sinful to the core and totally confused, I'm still loved and forgiven. What crazy grace!

But if I believe that, what do I do?


These questions are serious, and they are painful. I've left my family, moved to another country, learned a new language, bumbled around like a child, tried to learn new cultural traditions and a way of life, sacrificed relationships with friends, given up educational dreams, etc. And if this has all been done to share the wonderful love and forgiveness of our Savior, great!! If it has simply allowed more people to be put in even deeper chains of guilt, separated them from their families, and told them that they need to "do more"...out of thankfulness for God's love, of course (a bit of sarcasm there)...well, then I need to stop what I'm doing.

Thoughts? Comments? Please...words of wisdom or advice? I realize that I am just a sinful human being, trying to wrestle with mysteries of the Divine. But I believe that God gives grace for our wrestling moments...