Thursday

Sometimes when I walk out of class, I realize that my jaw hurts from smiling.

Some days...many days!...the smile is real. I laugh and sing with the children, chuckle and exclaim over things with the adults. It feels like learning is happening and relationships are deepening. Other days the smile is tight, fake. I'll replay classroom conversations in my head later in the evening, wondering what could have gone better or differently. Or just chalk it up to a bad day.


I have found, in my 5 years of working in Japan, that a job at an English conversation school is more relational than educational. But relational in a...different...way than you might imagine.

On any given day, I could probably tell you what 50% of my students are doing tomorrow, or what they did yesterday. 98% of my students never ask me a question beyond, "I'm fine, thank you, how are you?"

When I hear the answer "I'm fine," I usually dig a bit deeper. "How was your day? Busy? Boring? Fun? How was work/school? What did you do?" etc. Japanese students, even if they have the English language ability, don't generally "dig" for information of any kind. Especially personal information.


Sometimes this is not an easy job. It feels like I must care, be personable, invest energy and love and passion for life and learning into my students, draw out their personalities. inspire self-confidence, exude a sense of safety...but not share myself with them.

I have heard stories about crime...long-kept marital secrets...affairs and separations...grief and despair...hatred, bitterness...giddy secret joys...

I didn't tell my students when I got engaged...when my grandfather passed away...I don't tell them my hobbies, my weekly schedule...

It is a bit like being a close friend to 50 people, but not really being known.

And I spend a lot of time smiling.

I do care about my students...very much. But it is a strange relationship.

Eric commented that Tokyo feels like a big, busy city full of single people...all alone, living in stress during the day and at night trying to find something that will help them forget the stress of the day. So many people. So alone.

I am so thankful for Eric...thankful for family and friends...thankful for loving relationships!

Tonight, weaving my way through dark streets after classes were finished, I found myself listening to "Peter, Paul, and Mary"'s "Inside" and feeling torn between laughter and tears.

"Let's say your at a pie contest, and let's say that you're the judge.
And there's lemon, lime and watermelon rind,
And one that looks like fudge.
You can't tell which pie you like the best if you only eat the crust.
In order to complete the test, a bite of filling is a must...

Inside, inside, that's the most important part.
Inside, inside, that's the place you've got to start,
Inside, inside, that's where you'll find the heart of the matter."

It is definitely a cultural thing to want to look "inside" a person. Sometimes I miss my "home culture," which would agree that looking inside is a good thing to do...a real, honest, relational thing to do.

In the end, the laughter won out. (Who can listen to the whole song and not give a chuckle?! :))